The rain bleeds Falling out of me as I wave bye I'm taking steps I break the breath that I'm holding in Holding on to Folding into arid air Marking colors that you wear Till I'm fading I, I'd wipe the raindrops from your lips
Refrain: But where are you? You're far outside me I need to start a little storm of mine And I'm not teasing See your long, long hair Drown in my skin As you sing your love songs
Hurt me But I won't try to hold a lie I'll tell the truth I'm leaving the lyrics that I wrote for her I'm writing some to you Am I too cruel? Choosing you That I won't know Not for long No more than a week But don't I need A song to slay you
Refrain (rev): But where are you? You're far outside me I need to start a little storm with you And I'm not teasing See your long, bronze hair Drown in my skin As you sing your love songs
Bridge: Is it Raining Where you are If it Is I've Made it So far
Refrain (rev 2): But where are you? You're far outside me I'm gonna start a little storm of mine And you're invited See you long for me here Drown in my skin As you sing your love songs
------- you can check it out on myspace.com/sirensongband.
rachael yamagata called me! but, ok, i was so busy writing music ironically that i missed the call and didn't see she called until two days later. boooooooo.
i went to the hotel cafe tour 2006 at meridian houston. here's the story followed by a part two!
i did my first solo concert viewing tonight and boy it was fucking amazing. i went for rachael yamagata. what i got was an insanely talented group of people on the Hotel Cafe Tour including Cary Brothers, Joshua Radin, Jonaah Matranga, Tristan Prettyman, Jim Bianco, Sara Bareilles. it lasted from 8-12am. yeah. they got seriously trashed and it was "wow." they took turns singing, sang with each other, did covers like "cecelia" and "kiss" by prince. some drunk happenstances included jim falling off the piano bench and rachael straddling him as an effect, sara knocking the keyboard off its stand ( i have video footage of both lol ask me for it)... they made a line off the stage and into the middle of the crowd to do a killer rock out. yeahhhh.
about rachael. she came on and these assholes were talking so loud, she called them out... then she noticed the guy was cute and throughout the song she was just giggling and making comments-- it was amazing. i uploaded the video on to youtube at the bottom here if you're interested. i highly recommend it. but yeah. she rocks my world. i got to chat with her after and get a picture and shit. she's just intoxicating. i'm PLANNING on going to austin tomorrow to see her-- she said she wants to see me there-- and hopefully i can. i still don't have a car so yeah. *crosses fingers and hopes on getting a chance for some delicious rachael-possibilities!!!
anyway, words can't describe this concert. probably the best i have been to. but yeah. rock on. i love music and this is the tour i want to have one day. godddd to be on that tour must be so awesome for them. i'll put the picture up of me and rachael-- the damn guy wouldn't take another and it's all dark though :( next time. watch miss sexy hit on the guy that's not me :(
ok, so as you know, rachael said she wanted to see me at the austin show, the day after houston (this was tonight-- or yesterday now). soooo i went. the crowd was not nearly as crazy and they weren't as drunk but it was definitely sold out so that was awesome for them. i caught up with rachael-- she gave me a big hug and said "i'm so glad you could make it-- how are you?!" "well, i just spilled my drink down my pants over there." "hahaha dude, well i have spilled two drinks tonight... cheers" and proceeded to tell me about how and such. i ended up saying something like "so this place is non-smoking-- what the hell's that about?" "i know-- i've been sneaking them in the back and got caught so i pleaded ignorance but they're catching on." "go in the bathroom and play it all school girl then!" what else, what else. anyway, i ended up saying i brought a camera this time and she said yay and i said we could take it later so she went backstage again and continued with the show etc. etc. i ended up being in the most killer spot-- right up front again, but by rachael's main part i was all the way up. after this i went back again side stage and said in a british accent, "i do believe you owe me a photo, miss." and then she replied in a british accent, "yes, i do believe i do owe you some photographs-- yes quite a few." so we had someone take our pic and we started chatting again-- i said i had been planning on going to the dallas show tomorrow (mind you, i meant instead of austin) and she goes "well how about i get you on the guest list?" "sure!" "that's so far though-- are you sure you can come see me?" "yeah, it's no problem-- i used to live there so..." "ok, well i'm gonna go get a pen and paper-- i'll be right back." she came back with it and asked my info and i said, "you better remember, missy, cos i'm toast if you don't" then she looks at me and says, "i'm giving you my phone number-- i never give people it but yeah... i never pick it up but... call me if you have trouble getting in, ok? try to keep it to yourself, ok? i never do this!" "our secret. well i shall see you tomorrow!" "i'll see you tomorrow!" she gave me a big hug and a huge smacker on the cheek! hahah! it was funny. but FUCK YEAH. it wasn't in the "come do me way" with the number but maybe it'll turn into that hahah. i'm pretty sure she's straight though. nevertheless it'd be awesome to get to know her-- maybe i can play with her some time in the future (don't think dirty, bastards).
Most of these answers are the same but I'm bored so I'm gonna redo it.
A - Age you got your first kiss: 17
B - Band listening to right now: my crap actually! :)
C - Crush: it's usually a circular pattern
D - Dad's name: Grant
E - Easiest person to talk to: myself ^_^.
F - Favorite ice cream: Ii'm giving it up cos it's gotten me into trouble again lol
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: they're both made of animal bones so... nah.
H - Hometown: N'awlins
I - Instruments: voice, piano, synthesizer, computer
J- Junior High: pick one of three, four including homeschooling
L - Longest car ride ever: trip back from boston in 2005. a week and a few days. fun though. therapeutic.
M - Mom's name: Clara
N - Nicknames: Eve (for work), Val, Val Valentine, Val Pal, Aunt Vahow... nothing too original except Eve
O - One wish: to be a famous singer/songwriter
P - Phobia[s]: Claustrophobia increases as the years go by, Atychiphobia (fear of failure) , Androphobia and Coitophobia (hahahahahah go look 'em up)
Q - Quote: "One does not learn to suffer less but to dodge pain." --Anais Nin
R - Reason to smile: orgasms. hahaha jk. Writing music is a reason to smile.
S - Song you sang last: my new one, which is so far untitled.. I think I'm gonna call it So Easy though
T - Time you woke up today: i don't really "wake up" lately, seeing as i am really just supposed to be lying in bed for two weeks... but around 10 i guess... jon made me cut his hair despite my back pain... he now has a bald spot. jk.
U - Unknown fact about me: well there are a lot of those so i guess i can release one... i'm not actually a bad person, i just sometimes make mistakes. SURPRISE! lol
V - Vegetable you hate: onions!!!
W - Worst habit(s): uhhh hmm. i have a horrible habit of eating after i'm already full, of drinking when i'm already way too drunk... aaaand of spending way too much money on mixed drinks
X - X-rays you've had: recently, spine...
Y - Yummy food: pizza, pasta, zucchini... gotta put a veggie in there heh
Z - Zodiac sign: libra!
IN ONE TRY..TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR:
FINGERS: valerie CHIN: vcsxdfghds ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED: valktrie CHEEK: yhy hvb ELBOW: vaskltkjjftd LIPS: valcried (aww how sad) PALM: vzj,dfsdfksd BACK OF HAND:vcsdlkesrioe NOSE:vaqoe45r834 TONGUE: valerie
i think i got electrocuted through my tongue haha
-- YOUR HERITAGE: pick a place, any place. -- THE SHOES YOU WORE TODAY: my feet -- YOUR EYES: brown -- YOUR WEAKNESS: a pretty face, food, forgiveness (which is a strength in some ways) -- YOUR FEARS: loneliness, sharks, drowning, failing to get my music huge -- ONE THING YOU'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE: rockstardom -----------------STATISTICS------------- -----
-- NAME: Valerie -- ALIAS: Eve, Valkyrie, Siren Song -- BIRTHDATE: 09/24/85 -- BIRTHPLACE: ughhhhh Tulsa OK -- BIRTHTIME: 10:23 am -- GENDER: pussycat -- ANGEL: Maow -- BIRTHSTONE: Sapphire -- ZODIAC: libra (again) -- YEAR: Ox -- PET CATS: Tinker (RIP), Beans, Mojo, Schpeckles, wherever she might be now *cries* -- PET DOGS: Bosley, -- OTHER: Mr. Fancypants. One day. One. Day. -- ACREAGE OF YARD: saving up for my own apt. 6 months, baby. then me and britt are golden. -- ROOMS: 4 -- BATHROOMS: 3 1/2 -- PHONE #: i've given out enough so far -- CITY: Houston -- STATE: ..TX
-- YOUR THOUGHTS FIRST WAKING UP: damn jonathan for waking me up before 2 -- THE FIRST FEATURE YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: that they're a guy -- YOUR BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE: tits and ass. jk. i usually here my eyes. but lately my hair kicks your mom's ass!!! -- YOUR BEDTIME: when i'm writing, it's usually 4.30am. i try to go to bed earlier though if i'm not recording -- YOUR GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: making my own little "recording studio" and keeping on writing.... toni&guy is a big one too -- YOUR MOST MISSED MEMORY: too many i guess. right now i'm thinking about a time when i didn't have any torn up relationships.. it was nice before i had any of that...
-- PEPSI OR COKE: water or iced tea please -- MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING: taco bell! -- SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: i don't usually "date" -- ADIDAS OR NIKE: Vans or Etnies -- CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: mmm chocolate -- CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: latte
-- SMOKE: quitting -- CUSS: always -- TAKE A SHOWER EVERYDAY: bad for your hair -- HAVE A CRUSH(ES): nah, nothing new these days... -- WHO ARE THEY: can it, buster! *in best miss piggy voice i can muster* -- DO YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE?: soitanely -- WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE: too much money for emerson -- LIKE HIGH SCHOOL: i liked skipping :) -- WANT TO GET MARRIED: uhhh right now, not really -- TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: i get her done reallll fast so who cares if i'm "using the right fingers" hahahaha -- GET MOTION SICKNESS: i love a little turbulence -- THINK YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE: i could lose a few pounds, but i think i'm pretty hot -- THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: trying to become better about what i eat -- GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: mostly -- LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: LOVE 'em. very sexy. -- PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: indeed
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID/HAVE YOU--------------
-- DRANK ALCOHOL: had a Bellini at Zio's last night... aaaaaand i turned 21 on the 24th so you tell me. lol. -- SMOKE(D): yeah -- DONE A DRUG: tramadol for my back. prescribed of course. -- HAVE SEX: it's overrated. i don't think i've EVER gotten, er, pleased. -- MADE OUT: kisses are precious so no -- GO ON A DATE: dinner date, but nothing romantically -- GO TO THE MALL: i work at it lol -- BEEN ON STAGE: unfortunately no -- BEEN DUMPED: can ya say free? -- GONE SKATING: nay -- MADE HOMEMADE COOKIES: mmmm NO! -- BEEN IN LOVE: nah -- DYED YOUR HAIR: is the pope catholic? -- STOLEN ANYTHING: nay
-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
-- FLOWN ON A PLANE: to and from nola for my birthday! -- MISSED SCHOOL BECAUSE IT WAS RAINING?: i'm from new orleans. what do you think. -- TOLD A GUY/GIRL THAT YOU LIKED THEM?: what a dumb question. of course! -- CRIED DURING A MOVIE?: heck yes -- EVER THOUGHT AN ANIMATED CHARACTER WAS HOT: yes ma'am -- HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND: nah -- BEEN ON STAGE?: yup yup -- CUT YOUR HAIR: damn right -- HAD CRUSH ON A TEACHER?: teacher's assistant. hot. -- PLAYED A GAME THAT REQUIRED REMOVAL OF CLOTHING? bah no. only with two people involved and that really doesn't count haha. -- BEEN TRASHED OR EXTREMELY INTOXICATED: wow, yes i have. ughhhh never again i hope -- BEEN CAUGHT "DOING SOMETHING": hahhaha yeah, that was a while ago though... "so high school" -- BEEN CALLED A TEASE: no -- GOTTEN BEATEN UP?: not physically -- BEEN IN A FIGHT: i don't think it was really a fight... more a desperate attempt to show our disappointment in one another. -- SHOPLIFTED: kinda
-- AGE YOU HOPE TO BE MARRIED: that's as gay as ellen -- NUMBERS AND NAMES OF CHILDREN: i think 3 is a good number if i do have any or more than one.... we have good names though. DO NOT STEAL THEM. Aria Magdalena, Aaron Aiden, etc. etc. -- DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING: on the cliffs of Ireland -- HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE?: after receiving a lifetime achievement award in music... toasting a glass of cham. quick and painless. -- WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?: rockstar --WHAT COUNTRY WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT?: planning on Ireland and UK in the Spring-- plans for November had to be postponed since my accident :(
-- BEST EYE COLOR: everybody i've been with so far has had brown eyes. if i had my way, black hair with blue eyes -- BEST HAIR COLOR: black, brown, or red. i hate blondes for the most part. -- SHORT OR LONG HAIR: i love long black hair... but i like any way really... as long as it fits them... -- BEST HEIGHT: i like a little shorter than me... or the same... or a little taller lol... -- BEST WEIGHT: not too big, not too small -- BEST FIRST DATE LOCATION: uhhhhh dunno haven't had a "date" in a while.. or at all really... -- BEST FIRST KISS LOCATION: well, my first kiss was in the bathroom stall of Scumbers... but i wouldn't say it's the best first kiss location lol
-- NUMBER OF BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS YOU'VE HAD: uhhhhh it's debatable lol. i guess just two real big relationships... more like one... i dunno..... somewhere between 4 and 1... :-P -- NUMBER OF KISSES YOU'VE GIVEN: too many -- NUMBER OF DRUGS TAKEN ILLEGALLY: none -- NUMBER OF PEOPLE I COULD TRUST WITH MY LIFE: i trusted it to a few haha. -- NUMBER OF PIERCINGS: four -- NUMBER OF TATTOOS: three -- NUMBER OF TIMES MY NAME HAS APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPER?: maybe two -- NUMBER OF SCARS ON MY BODY: uggghh too many. i wanna get rid of them... damn drunkenness and pizza pans -- NUMBER OF THINGS IN MY PAST THAT I REGRET: one would change a few other regrets as well so it's a package deal :)
-- SHAMPOO: bed head fashionista and s factor -- FAV COLOR: blue and purple. -- DAY/NIGHT: night -- SUMMER/WINTER: winter but fall of the four -- LACE OR SATIN: satin -- FAVE CARTOON CHARACTER: catwoman -- FAVE FOOD: pizza -- FAVE MOVIES: too many. favorite big release as of late is The Illusionist, and rented would be "Amore de Femme" -- FAVE SPORT: sleeping
-- WEARING: hahahahha PJs -- DRINKING: water -- THINKING ABOUT: well... the song brings me back to when i first heard it which was during a hard time in my life... back at the end of February i got this song -- LISTENING TO: Worn Me Down by Miss R. Yamagata
---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
-- WORN JEANS: hell no -- MET SOMEONE NEW ONLINE: nah -- DONE LAUNDRY: nah -- DROVE A CAR: *cries* SHADDUP I WANNA DRIVE!!!! my poor Velma's gettin' better -- TALKED ON THE PHONE: nope ---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
-- YOURSELF: gotta -- YOUR FRIENDS: they're my saviors -- SANTA CLAUS: twas a real man, deaarrrr -- TOOTH FAIRY: monies! -- DESTINY/FATE: sometimes.... usually though -- ANGELS: kinda -- GHOSTS: you have no idea -- UFOS: nah -- GOD: kinda --------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
-- DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD ANOTHER NAME?: why wish for one when you can change it anyways -- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND?: nope -- DO YOU LIKE ANYONE?: sure -- WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ACTS THE MOST LIKE YOU?: britt and i are like an old married couple-- we've blended into one person in a way, but we're also still so very different -- WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS?: nick i think..i met him before steph -- ARE YOU CLOSE TO ANY FAMILY MEMBER?: aaron's my kindred -- WHO DO YOU HANG AROUND THE MOST?: britt-- hand's down -- WHEN HAVE YOU CRIED THE MOST: uhhhhhh probably when sara and i broke up. i cried for about a year lol -- WHAT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: completion -- WORST FEELING?: being hated -- WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?: 4.56pm
CURRENT MOOD: blasse CURRENT MUSIC: Royksopp's "In Space" CURRENT TASTE: sourness. i need to eat. CURRENT HAIR: bad ass. all over boysenberry with cherry color at the crown, fish bowl under accenting all over and this neon purple color in the front CURRENT ANNOYANCE: lack of better music equipment and no where to buy it/no money to buy with CURRENT SMELL: clean sheets CURRENT THING I OUGHT TO BE DOING: eating or resting CURRENT WINDOWS OPEN: iTunes, garage band, this one and AIM for the first time in god knows how long CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE: sexy Alison Goldfrapp CURRENT BOOK: A Spy In the House of Love by Anais Nin and I'm rereading The Scarlet Letter CURRENT JOB: Toni & Guy
--------------DO I/HAVE I EVER----------------
HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK?: ugh, yeah... it's crazy cos i didn't think i felt that way, but i guess dreams tell you what's true.... REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE?: Yeah... STILL LOVE HIM/HER: Through everything that's happened.... after loving, obsessing, hating, liking.... yeah... i think that'll be an eternal bond that keeps us.. at least on my part... she pretty much hates me... for something i didn't plan to happen and wish hadn't happened.... we both made mistakes in our lives.... but yeah... i wish we were civil with each other.... READ THE NEWSPAPER?: cancelled subscription BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER?: could be. who knows. CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS?: pretty tolerant CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE?: sometimes.... LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL?: no one likes how alcohol tastes.. i kinda like tequila by itself though... HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY?: hmm. i love chocolate. DO WELL IN SCHOOL?: yeah i did WEAR HATS?: i have some purdy ones. need to wear them more though CLOSE FRIENDS?: course WISH ON STARS?: definitely LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: it's unique CARE ABOUT LOOKS?: yeah
---------------LOVE AND STUFF----------------
GAY? STRAIGHT? BI? NULL?: there's a lotta love in here FIRST CRUSH: sal EVER BEEN IN A THING CALLED LOVE?: yee-haw. lol. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?: lust at first sight definitely. love at first sight maybe. DO YOU BELIEVE IN "THE ONE?": hah. i guess so. i've realized that you cannot change who you fall for, no matter how hard you try so.. it makes sense that there'd be a ONE person you'd fall for indefinitely.
..............ARE YOU A.................. WUSS: sometimes DRUGGY: legally! haha DAYDREAMER: ya damn right FREAK: and proud of it DORK: you guysh wanna read my comicsh BITCH/ASSHOLE: i've had my moments BRAT: my mom calls me that endearingly SARCASTIC: i'm soooo not sarcastic *dripping with sarcasm* SHY: i can be TALKATIVE: again, i can be ADVENTUROUS: sometimes JOKER: What's Michael J. Fox's favorite drink?
a SHAKE hahahah ( i made it up too so give me props, bitches)
................LAST (THANK GOD)...............
LAST BOOK YOU READ: just finished Henry and June from Anais Nin's unexpurgated diaries, "A Journal of Love" LAST MOVIE YOU SAW: Hocus Pocus was on!!!! eeee I love Halloween LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: water LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: uhhh yesterday..? lol i'm pretty drugged up right now LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE: uhhhhhhhhhhhh britt? big surprise haha
I'm writing because I feel the weight of the world. I'm writing even though I know that not many will read it... but it brings small comfort to me.
I have ten of the possible twenty-four nerves that can be pinched. I mess up what I'm speaking (and writing... I've edited this to actually make sense). I feel like someone is constantly strangling my muscles. I wonder if my bones will break and I would still lie here, alive but unable to speak, move, fix anything...
I know I'm dramatic. Truth is it's relevant. I can't work for the next two weeks-- I've already taken time off. And that is an undetermined amount which can lengthen. Six to eight months of back therapy at the least. At 40 dollars every day for two weeks, then 3 times a week, and so on and so forth... My parents thought Health Insurance would cover car accidents. It doesn't. So I've screwed them again for money.
The pain killers the doctor prescribed are the same that made me gain weight with my teeth-pulling. Tonight before I got in bed, my mom brought me new ones after me being off them for three days, which stretched into centuries. They're amazingly strong. My mother is keeping them under lock and key because they're severely addictive and you're only supposed to have them for five days... But God I need them... and freedom. I thought I was an adult, but I find myself a child again, being driven everywhere, monitored like a psych ward inhabitant.
The girl responsible is going to get away with completely messing my car up-- my life up. It needs a new axle, which is an enormously expensive part of the car. And other problems need to be fixed as well. Why is it that everything comes down on us all eventually? Am I alone in this? I feel like it.
I can't go to Dublin and London anymore because I would be insane to ask for vacation time now. The only sweetness of this is offered to me by Paul, my Toni & Guy owner. He says I can take as much time off as I need, just so I get better. That "I have a family there." He hopes that I can still make it in for Model Nights on Tuesdays so I don't fall behind.
It hurts just to be sitting down, lying down, living... I breathe music now to keep my mind from pain and my body from memory... but it's hard to record it because I have to keep going back and forth from computer to keyboard, sitting for so long and harvesting affliction...
The crying spells I was promised as result of one particular pinched nerve have come on me like drunkenness. I've been thinking so much with these endless moments to fill... So I'll just lie here and imagine beautiful songs... I'll push till the music comes out, my body the expense. I won't be conquered. I can't... Maybe this will be my drive for success.
Brittany and I went out on the town tonight, despite my horrific back pain from the car accident. We went to Movie Tavern to watch a movie and get a Blue Thing but the damn thing was sold out. So we went to Chi, the innovative Sushi Bar/Night Spot... It was amazingly beautiful BUT they should have a dance floor. The DJ was amazing. After the great music I really wanted to dance, so we went to Dansepark (spelled that way on purpose) and yeah. I had two Fuzzy Navels and danced a couple songs. The highlight of the night was seeing this ridiculous 40-50 year old sporting an orange (not cool enough for the red as Britt said) bandana, Bugle Boy shorts and yeah.. he was the funniest fucker there. Strangely enough, there was a flock of these wannabe-youngins there... Hill-arr-ee-us. There were lots of little cute androgynous girls there but I realized my back was hurting so we left...
Anyway. I'm a little puzzled as to why one of you posted a reply to a journal entry from a year ago. I am not a fan of suspense, so please reveal yourself, masked man. Or I'll pout. Y'all are silly. If you wanna know more about my 21st birthday check out the Myspace of mine. Aaaand--shameless plug-- go check out my music at Siren Song. It sucks that I can't put more than 4 songs up at a time... I need to find a place to host all my stuff-- just wrote three new ones... I know it's been a while since I wrote on here, but I'm gonna try to pick it up.
Love all you, dearies. All you devoted little LJ'ers hehehe.
Sofie had been gone for a while now. It was almost as if she had died in the fire, leaving only a ghost of herself behind. I had broken down one night, longing to forgive her after one too many sips of Mescale, but she’d vanished. I gave up the dream of absolving our sins and prayed I’d never see her again. She returned after her first disappearance only to creep back into the shadows. Maybe she was ashamed of what happened. Not for what she did to me, but what she did to Jonesy, the only man—or woman—Sofie has ever, and will ever love. Jonesy had adored her from birth. He couldn’t even bear to say her name when she surfaced again. Her reappearance changed nothing in me. I’d washed her away for good. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. The few words I did utter to her were run through with repulsion.
Maybe she couldn’t take it anymore. She might have foreseen what finally happened. Clayton and I were growing closer everyday. When she left, there was nothing holding us back; regret was only a memory. You may think we’re sick, but you can’t help what happens. It just does. I wonder sometimes if we’d have ever fallen in love, if not for the trick Sofie played on the pair of us, her payback for our hiding the affair. I asked Jonesy if he was still sweet on Sofie. I looked him square in the eye and saw the truth shine through. He never returned the same question. I loved Clayton. I always will. But I let my mind unravel in his absence. I had thought the weight of Sofie’s betrayal had fallen away when Jonesy took me up in his arms. The truth snapped in me like a tree branch. I’d merely tucked it away, under the sheets and out of sight. Now that I was finally alone to mull in my own thoughts, the threads had come loose.
I boiled inside, for I had no one to talk to. I had fallen for a girl for god’s sake—I might have been a cooch dancer but there weren’t no one in those parts that would look kindly on those actions. Hell, I wouldn’t have if I were in their position. There hadn’t been enough time for this worry back when it first hit. Everything went up in flames that night—the short-lived relationship (if you can call it that), the bus… Everything Sofie touched turned to ashes in a matter of minutes.
Sympathy started in me at the realization of all that Sofie had been through recently. How could I be so damn insensitive? I hated her for what she did—I had tried to protect her from the truth, but she had every right for her actions. Then my thoughts turned to Jonesy and his affair with mama. I felt like I was going to be sick. Was I insane? I married the man that nearly broke up my family and broke the heart of the first person I’d fallen for in my whole life. There was nothing but Johnnies and dancing until Sofie became my friend.
My love for Jonesy had been reaffirmed with almost losing him, but if I removed that horrible sight from my eyes, the smell of burning flesh under a pool of tar and feathers, I saw the sand that the whole relationship had been built on. We were both hurting, we were both bent under the thumb of Sofie’s vengeance and turned to each other to find escape.
I was so torn for days, wondering what I should do. Sofie had been taken under Brother Justin’s crooked staff and might have been dead already. I had so many things I needed to resolve- with her, with Jonesy, with myself. Clayton could be taken from me too, before I’d even begun to find an answer to all the questions in me.
The great battle had commenced between our Ben and the Preacher. There was no sight of either of them, even in the rising sunlight. Then, I heard hollering from some of the rousties; Ben was actually alive! I was beaming for the first time since I saw Jonesy the day before, and then I realized that they said nothing about Clayton returning. I asked Samson and he said he hadn’t heard anything. Ruthie, Daddy, Mama… they just replied with a soft shaking of the head. My heart was breaking. I didn’t ask about Sofie. I’d lost her before and she’d returned. Everyone thought Jonesy had left me and he proved them wrong. He was face to face with death again. How could he escape it so soon after? They were both dead. I let Daddy’s words slip over me, feigning hope. They were both gone and I was alone again.
My mind shifted. Why hadn’t I thought of it sooner? Clayton busted down the door, taking out whatever stood between him and Sofie, and grabbed her in his aching arms. I hadn’t been anything but a rebound girl. I was Rita Sue’s daughter, after all. Another Dreifuss substitute for Sofie’s savior.
Maybe they’d taken the chance to run off together. It was the perfect storybook ending. I trembled as my heart broke into more pieces. Daddy put his arm around me as he drove, consoling me repeatedly with words of Jonesy’s return. He even came up with the idea that Clayton was waiting at the next big town to surprise me with open arms. It surprised me that they didn’t mention Sofie. I guess they didn’t dare speak of “the other woman.” If only they knew what had gone on between the three of us, how truly twisted the knot was around this tryst.
Days went by, then weeks. I wore black and never took the stage again. Mama didn’t say a word. I tried to thank her but I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t even eat. One night I was laying in my bed, turning on to my side when I heard something slide off the mattress and hit the ground. Whatever it was had wedged itself between the bed and the tent. I pulled the bed away from the canvas wall and jumped over it to the other side. I uttered my first words in ages. It’d been so long, my voice sounded foreign, like sandpaper.
“Oh, my God.” I bit my lip so hard it must've bled. I didn’t care. A deck of tarot cards lay sprawled out at my feet. They were Sofie’s; I was positive. But what did I know about tarot cards? Maybe they were all the same. I bent to pick them up, though my hands were shaking long before I started to move. They were all facing down, save one. The card had a man, holding a sword in his hand; the Roman numeral for five sat at the top.
“What is it?” I muttered to myself. “It’s the Five of Swords.” I whipped around to find that Sofie had been standing directly behind me and was now inches from my face. “S-Sofie…” It hung in the air; not a question, not an exclamation… nothing but her name and the silence that fell around it. My body shook and the more I urged it to stop, the more it quaked. She laid her hands on each of my shoulders firmly, not gently as I expected her to.
“What’s it mean?”
She turned on her heal, pacing back in forth and sliding the card between her palms as she spoke.
“A conflict, a battle… has ended. The card is all about the clean up process. It speaks of considering what has been lost and what consequences have ensued because of the mistakes that you’ve made… But the war has not ended. The battle was just the beginning. Strategies must be corrected and wrongs must be made right before the war as a whole is lost… before you lose what was sought in the first place…”
My eyes fell to my shoes. I had an idea of what the card could be pointing to. I played dumb.
“But Ben’s won. Ben killed the Preacher out in the cornfield! There ain't nothin’ more to worry—“
She cut me short, offering another answer. “Perhaps—Libby-- the cards are pointing to a rocky start with Clayton. What with Rita Sue being the new mother-in-law, it must be tough.”
“How did I know about that? Well, it turns out I’m a lot more like Mama than I thought,” she let out a low giggle. She smiled and added, “I guess I didn’t need the old worm after all.”
She hadn’t said my name since the night we kissed, God knows how long before. It was blunt and harsh, like a dull knife. I wanted to run with my tail between my legs. Then my thoughts wandered to Jonesy. Was he hiding behind the curtain, waiting to jump out and tell me hand-in-hand with Sofie how they’d made fools of me—how they’d set this whole thing up? I didn’t dare say his name, but when I finally glanced up, Sofie’s eyes were piercing into mine, like coals set ablaze.
“Do you really think that bastard had a shred of feelings for you? How could you be so naïve? After knowing that he was sleeping with your mother while all the while leading me on?”
Her voice was calm and steady. There was no hint of anger in it. She continued, “ He broke through the door just as that fraud’s lackey was about to slit my throat. Jones shot him down with all the bullets left in the chamber and scooped me up. I was gracious, glad that he’d finally forgiven me and put it behind him so we could renew our friendship.”
She paused, took the deck of cards that hung limply in my hands and placed the Five of Swords at the bottom of the pile. She held my gaze until I let out the words like a sigh.
“He kissed you.”
Sofie nodded. “I moved away from him. He grabbed my arm-- telling me how we could run off and leave the road-life in the dust and start out fresh. He didn’t need the carnival, now that he was healed. The whole world was ready for our taking. I told him that he was crazy. Jones didn’t think I knew about the two of you, but even if I hadn’t, he never thought to hide the wedding ring. It was the assurance I needed to prove I was like Mama.”
“Where is he?”
“After arguing with him, he finally realized we weren't leaving arm in arm. I went one way. He went the other. I told him I was going back to the world I was born in and the home I never should have left. Clayton said he didn’t have a home anymore. That he didn’t know where to go, but that he was sure it wasn’t where I was headed. That’s all he said…”
So Mama had been right all along. I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been to believe he'd changed, after everything he'd done before. He was gone for good, and I just had to face it. I bit my lip, reopening the slice I’d made in it earlier.
“But... why’d it take ya so long to find us? It’s been near three weeks since we left New Canaan.”
“I hitched my way from town to town, asking if y’all had come through. It took a while to track you… It took money that I didn’t have to get me home, but I’m here,” she said sternly.
She turned her back to me and folded her arms, speaking all the more sternly, “I don’t even know why the hell I came back. What is there for me here? A career telling dim-witted townies what their meaningless lives hold?”
Sofie was colder than I remembered; she sounded heartless.
“Y-Ya must’ve gone through a lot to get ya back here safe, Sofe’. Don’t be so down though… We’re your family and we’re so glad you’re finally home.”
I hesitated then put my hand on her forearm. She started a bit but let me take it. I smiled at her.
“I… I missed ya, Sofie.” The words caught in my throat. I was going to say more but she shook her head.
“I missed you too, Lib. So where’s that old bottle hiding?” Her face beamed under the shadow of the tent.
“Ya know, I’m not quite sure, actually. You’ll have to help me find it.”
We linked arm and arm and took off like twisters, kicking up a storm of dust as we ran through the swirls of colored lights.
Mostly Gay You scored -28 (-52 being completely gay, 0 being bisexual, and 52 being completely straight)
You are mainly homosexual, but you have a few heterosexual qualities. You much prefer the same sex, but you have a mild interest in the opposite sex. While you would jump at the opportunity to screw someone of the same sex, you might be up for experimenting with members of the opposite sex if given the opportunity. If you are sexually inexperienced, you could shift on the spectrum at a later time depending on whether you have sexual encounters with the opposite sex and whether or not you like those encounters.
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
it'll be a year on february 21st since we broke up.
and still, i'm here, trying to let these eyes shed tears expired long ago...
they come slowly and pause for want of fuel.
i'd love so desperately to have some sense of closure now. i want to move on. i want to be the one to leave this behind, even when there is possibility for a future. instead, i'm the one reading the away messages dedicated to another nobody who will never become the somebody i once was. call me vain. call me narcissistic to assume i was the only one worthy of forever. call it by any other name and the truth will surface.
i guess i might be the one left with those words. alone. and i can't grope for more than that. because somewhere, deep inside me, i know that i'll be just that in the end. and she'll be with yet another never to busy her time with, until finally... it expires... but she'll sleep well with that nobody by her side.
you'd love to know my life, an open-book but i'm not for reading, i'm for writing a page with lines for scrolling, scribbling and holding on your tongue, rolling contemplating, but never getting an answer in these rhymes, these riddles, you'll never know them.
must i close this novel, make it for eyes only that i choose can i keep my destiny open for willing travelers to peruse?
if it not be a whispered word, a sullen secret that i write on my skin what would it be? something different, would it be a sin to be in ecstasy? frightened by the joy of knowing life might hold a flame, a fickle, aching happy future that i might live in, dwell in, laugh in, or would it be too truthful to tell me that erased is every faithful memory i clinged to in my solitude, that i'd have to face a more fatal fate.
and would it bring tears of surrender to hear that, or would it be too late?
you know you don't understand anything i'm saying, so don't assume you do (please don't take that as harshness, i just don't want you to assume anything.. so ask me.. ok?)
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful.
Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova, source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../ images/fallen_angel.jpg
The world holds secrets We find them Decode them Unwind them into our own words... Under the cloak of night We are the creatures that write Scribble Scratch Find our way through the darkness We are the match
Sleepless nights I fear you not For you fill me with your magic Tangle my hair with lines of fire Desires and dances to deliver to the dawn Holding on to only you You are the cauldron, I the brew Drink of me So that I might line your soul Bits of starlight and moon's dust Kisses of coal Shall you swallow me? Swallow me whole
i got a tattoo tonight with mahmahmah MAH JARONA! i'm too tired and such to give a picture-- it's too dark right now anyway. i'll leave you with the lovely maria taylor's lyrics for now, my dear. GOD it was amazing tonight. even when the most eventful thing is getting a tattoo, it's still amazing. this is sincerely the best summer so far in my life!
a master of many things, this lady. keep her home in your mind and no one else's, dearies.
i COMPLETELY left out the fact that we went to this gas station that was PACKED with these hispanic drag-racers... felt like a friggin' MOVIE hahaahha! and we were gonna drag-race this guy but i think they thought he wasn't tell them something... so didn't end up doing that, but we did drive quite fast and furious (boy, that was a pretty sad play on words)... it was such a trip *laughs* last night was soooooooooooooo crazy fun!
i stress that if you haven't checked out maria, you need to... her music just feels like coming home... now why didn't i tell HER that? *slaps forehead* oh well... she PROMISED me that next time she's playing houston, we're gonna "party," so that better hurry up and happen! good times, good times.
MARIA TAYLOR MAN!!!!!!!1!!!! it's all about maria taylor *dies* i'm still drunk, but i'd like to owe it to maria taylor, that hot son of a bitch. this isn't like me but here's what happened.
me, jaron, and mary: the maria taylor show.... hot people, two lady prospects, saw robert who i had in freshman year french, wanted to hang out after....
in the beginning saw a girl in front of me who i thought was maria taylor... i was right after i found out later... went up and told her we were there for her, asked what she was doing after the show: motion-signaled "sleepy" and she wasn't lying since she gave the same answer to robert.... they partied in austin... robert's hotel ended up being a bust so we're gonna party sometime before he goes back to kansas....
MARY AND JARON AND I MADE OUT!!!!!!!!
and this was in the playgound, in the sand (i can still taste it in my mouth GOD) and then a cop came by and mary and i ran!!!!! an jaron was pissed but convinced the cop we were ok so then we drove mary home and jaron dropped me off... i wonder if dad kn ew i was drunk? i hope not... i made jaron and mary promise if maria was in new orleans we'd go... and she will be so MAUAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
she promised next time she was in houston we'd party but hopefully that applies in new orleans as well....
poor jaron was confused when i said "um, i can go either way, dearie, so... you shouldn't have said that..."
MARIA!!!!! oh, we better go to new orleansDAMMIT!
this is funny....
You Were Actually Born Under:
You are solid, methodical, and you do things right the first time. Even when no one else does, you always believe in yourself. You tend to see the world in black and white, right or wrong. A good memory and eye for details means you tend to thrive at near impossible tasks.
You are most compatible with a Snake or Rooster.
You Should Have Been Born Under:
You are solid, methodical, and you do things right the first time. Even when no one else does, you always believe in yourself. You tend to see the world in black and white, right or wrong. A good memory and eye for details means you tend to thrive at near impossible tasks.
last night was xanga worthy, as jaron and i have said. here is why:
we started off the evening on our way to go see either war of the worlds or land of the dead. upon arriving at my place, jaron says that this siberian husky came up to his car asking for help cos his leg was all banged up and he guessed it must've gotten hit so we went back to kuykendahl and cypresswood and the dog was just sitting there right in front of the cvs sign! we ended up (we being me lol i'm so good at this) pestering my mom into coming over so we could take the dog in... we called the SPCA to pick him up and my parents were gonna claim financial responsibility. in the meantime, jaron and my dad were talking politics (jaron, my dad leans more towards republican view, so you can imagine how funny i found your conversation!!!). all of the sudden this guy is coming over calling to the dog... finally, we have an owner (nuts! say jaron and i)
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN TO THE DOG!!!!!
as soon as jaron and i got in the car we just start raving about his accent *dies* so now we go to amc to see land of the dead, witnessing a sort of zombie on our own lol. it was altogether an awesome night. jaron surprised me with my long-lost pj harvey cd, we shared death-by-butter popcorn and a mr. pibb and had VERY interesting conversation about stuff on the way home *giggles* great great fun.
TONIGHT i have to decide whether to attend jaron's concert or go to megan's party... right now, i'm planning on going to jaron's show then dropping by megan's for the second half of her party *deep sigh* oy, it's gonna be a long night, cos i wanna PARTY with jaron and crew after the show, but i love meggers and it's her birthday for god's sake! i'll tell you how it goes ;)
oh by the by, when did muse blow up and get bigger? i've been a fan since 8th grade and it makes me hesitate to see them on --gasp-- the n! hahaha!